The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
