my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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