I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
