I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
