Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
