Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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