My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
