I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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