I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
