I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
