my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
