dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
