I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
