i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
