ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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