My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
