My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am naked and annoyed.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
