I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
