Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
