I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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