just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
