my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
