I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
