My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
