If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
