I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
