I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
