life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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