just come out here and I will go home with you...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
