I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
