i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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