Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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