Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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