I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
