hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
