Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
