when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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