I've blown a few things in my day
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize