M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
