When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize