I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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