Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Two words: blizzard sex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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