I looked at my own cervix.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
