so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We need a shit load of segways right now
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
