its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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