____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
