I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
