new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
