i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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