I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
