Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
