You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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