hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
