If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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