Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
