I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
