I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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