my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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