You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
